Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.