TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers