I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
You Might Also Like
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Comparing yourself to others
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin