Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]