12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.