Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
😬
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
every college guy’s fridge
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
my favorite genre of twitter
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?