The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Only Americans understand
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.