[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*