The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!