Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Camping tip: No.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs