Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I just tested negative for patience.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.