I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.