The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me