Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee