Yes, but it was never about money
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
wtf is a larm clock?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.