[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces