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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”