*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’