Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band