Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
True freaking story!
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?