Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Thinking about Jeff
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.