After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
You Might Also Like
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Left at a local drug store…
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
shut up and take my money
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM