8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.