“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
IT’S-A ME,
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]