[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*mops up wine with cat*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
They’re not wrong
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.