One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Pot warmers of the day.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
these two trucks have the same bed length
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.