wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Yes, this is exactly right
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster