So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
You Might Also Like
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.