I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?