[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it