It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
the three branches of government
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood