Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”