HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
This a good idea
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.