I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.