A bad analogy is like a cucumber
You Might Also Like
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.