*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
You Might Also Like
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.