FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
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Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
23. the denim jacket
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.