[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Introverted vegans go meetless
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
lol
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan