[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.