“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them