Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
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I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
good let them take over I have had enough
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
selfie game
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.