my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
haha same
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge