“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“That’s what” – She
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.