My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
security at the airport getting more straightforward