Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Pass gas, not judgment.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
An odd boast
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin