Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.