Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Somebody call the cops.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.