what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Hmm, not sure about this change
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.