There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
For the baby who has everything
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂