Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this